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What’s Wrong with Sex between Exes?

You know with exes it’s not always simple. It’s not always as black and white as “he cheated on me” or “he was abusive.” Sometimes exes are the result of miscommunication or bad timing. So what happens in those situations, where the break up isn’t as cut and dry as you would like it to be?

Having sex with an ex poses a number of problems…I won’t even lie. Mentally after a break up, women and men, are not in a position to share intimacy without suffering some emotional dings. By dings, I mean that all the work that’s been done to move forward may be undone. You could come out thinking it meant more than it did or conversely, lead the other person on when you want nothing more. Whatever the issue, sex opens up a world of problems if the two individuals are not truly honest with their expectations (Lord, knows that’s near impossible). Is that a safe thing? Is that something you really want to get involved in? Who knows??

I took the liberty of testing out this question myself. In the situation with my ex, it wasn’t cut and dry. There existed an array of mixed emotions and misunderstandings. When you break up with someone and everyone (family and friends) knows, or at least think they know all the gritty details, there is this unspoken social obligation to never speak to or deal with the person again. But sometimes…you just need a good lay. And you don’t want to raise your number for a potential waste (and that’s happened to me too 😡 ).

So when going back to an ex where emotions certainly still played a role, I had to be honest with myself. Am I here just for the sex, or am I expecting more? Standing in his shower, preparing myself for the night ahead it popped in my head again; why am I here? Is this what I really want? Is he who I want to be with or am I just comfortable with him? Those are tough questions to answer, I didn’t know. I started looking around the bathroom and asked myself, if this was a guy I didn’t know what would I think about this bathroom? If this was a guy I didn’t know how much more would I have required before getting to the point of sex? So why would I now lower myself to sex-use just because he’s familiar? I finally told myself we obviously didn’t work out for some reason and having sex isn’t going to solve it or make me feel any better. I fessed up to myself that I was there seeking comfort.

It was a sobering moment. I hated that I talked myself into it. Being that I do care about the friendship, I came clean and told him that I couldn’t have sex with him after all. Prior to delivering this news, I’d convinced myself that whatever his response I would stick to my decision and understand that it was a show of his character, not mine. To my satisfaction, he was perfectly understanding and actually agreed. We both knew that sex would only lead to more confusion in an already jacked up relationship. We ended up having a really good talk that probably wouldn’t have happened if I didn’t put off the sex.

…..But then we had sex anyway.

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