Screw You, Insecurities!
Insecurity! I despise the word. The feeling of “not being good enough” breaks my heart. In a society where majority of people are trying to be seen or heard, it’s easy to get lost in the shuffle. Overlooked. I’m always overlooked. I sometimes believe that I make myself insecure. I look at what other people are doing, look at myself and think, “What the hell? How is this possible? How is it that I have X,Y, and Z yet still feel bad for myself? How can it be that I’ve had so many successes in life yet still feel inadequate? What’s wrong with me?” I don’t want it to come off as ungrateful. I’m far from that. I thank my Higher Power as often as I can for my blessings.
There are many times when I feel like I can’t compete with anyone on any level, whether it be on looks, education, work performance, etc. That self-doubt I feel has a sticking power. It goes everywhere with me, daily. I use to think my insecurity was a complex version of humility. I felt that I was so unself-centered that I embodied some kind of unknown spiritual virtue. Wrong! I was no Gandhi — out to teach the world how to be a better person. Nope! I was a little black girl from Houston with dreams from here to Mars yet still felt pressured to be like everyone else. I couldn’t talk too loudly or else I’d be seen as aggressive. My hair couldn’t be too nappy or else I’d be seen as radical. I couldn’t voice my opinion or else I’d be seen as militant. My skin couldn’t be too dark or else I’d be seen as a violent threat. So, of course I felt bad about myself. I felt like the odds were never in my favor.
After dispelling the self-loathing, I finally laced up my combat boots and told myself that I was something. I mattered. I was going to walk out that front door and not allow myself to continue to feel unworthy. Screw my insecurities. Screw myself for doubting that I couldn’t be the best. That I couldn’t wake up in the morning and feel absolutely amazing about everything I do, touch, say, or feel.
You might be asking, “So, what changed?”
I surrounded myself with supportive and positive people
I knew I needed a push every now and then. My sisters (because they’re more than friends) give me that. They remind me through random group chats that life is more than trying to look like the next girl or have money like the next guy. It’s about embracing your talents and dreams, loving those who love you, and leaving a positive and long-lasting legacy for future generations…that’s it. My whole outlook changed.
I realized that insecurity is inevitable
Even with my new found understanding of who I am and what I can do, I’ll still feel insecure. That’s life. What isn’t okay is sulking in my flaws all day, everyday. Dust yourself off, boo. Life goes on. So you didn’t get the job position you wanted. Maybe there’s a better opportunity down the road. So you didn’t get the grade you wanted on a test. With more studying, you’ll beast the final exam. I’ve realized that life is way too short to dwell on the negative.
I began to love myself
I want to sound as un-narcissistic as possible when I say, I love myself. I love my smile. I love my big, brown eyes. I love my fro. I love how I make others feel. I love how I have my health and family. I love that I still have my peace of mind. I love that I have the opportunity to write to all of you. I love that I am here, alive.
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