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Where I’m at in Life: Motherhood, Grad School & Boyfriend(?)

Why does it seem like everyone’s life is perfect, except mine?

I’ve finally confronted why it’s so hard for me to be honest in my writing…I’m worried too much about sounding like I have it all figured out when, in actuality I’m struggling. I’m struggling bad. I think most of us are a little too consumed with seeming like we have it together, when we should be showing that life ain’t easy and that it’s okay to not be okay. Suffering silently, as I’m learning, just doesn’t help the situation.

I’ve been wanting to write about my adjustment to motherhood, living with a boyfriend and starting graduate school. And in wanting to do so, I wanted to sound polished and collected. But the truth is I’m not. Nothing is easy at all. So I’m just wondering is everyone else amazingly multi-talented and I’m just doomed or are we all just hiding our problems?

I know I’m not alone, just from the people in my intimate circle. They display a fascinating amount of strength in the public world, but at times are just as beat down as me. I just hope I do it as well as them. Which is why I didn’t want to write this and stain what may have seemed like a rather joyful home life, but something in me just wants me to spit it out. Maybe someone else can understand and offer some advice or perhaps they just won’t feel alone. So here goes…

This relationship seems past due like spoiled milk. It didn’t always feel this way, but as of lately (the past 2 months) something has drawn a large amount of tension between us. I tried to convince myself from all my research that “oh, the first 6 months with a baby are always the hardest adjustment and so cause the most strain on the parents), but I’m over making excuses.

It seems like we’re both unhappy. And while I can’t read the other party’s mind, I can say for myself that we both had different ideas about what cohabitation would be like and personally, I just thought I’d be somewhere else in life.

On cohabitation:

Undisclosed expectations are death. Even when you try your hardest to not have any, you still do.  So there is that.

When we confronted those, it seemed like maybe things would look up, but oh, no, no…they’ve come back full circle and with resentment. So now what? Two unfulfilled individuals, who can’t seem to see or understand the others problems and a baby in the middle of it?

And if that were all maybe, just maybe there would be hope. But throw in my graduate school stress, the weight of his work life and then the burden of bills. Someone please tell me when the silver lining is due to arrive?

On life:

By now, I wanted to be traveling the world. Yes, I knew when I decided to have a baby I’d have to put things on hold, but now I’m in grad school and I feeling even more like “WHY AM I HERE?” I’ll admit I jumped into grad school, because I needed to feel fulfilled, like I was at least working towards something. Getting a Master’s & PhD was always in my plans, but I wanted to teach abroad first. Get some life experience going then head back, clear-minded and ready to start my career. Now, I’m hating school and I’ve always LOVED it. So not cool.

So maybe that’s to blame for why home life is crumbling, but I can’t really say for sure. Something just isn’t working out and I’m at a loss for what to do. Give me some advice or at least tell me you’re in the same boat or been there before.

 

Love,

Briana xo

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