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Au Pair Noir: As the Year Turns

So it’s been a while! Ha! With adulting and mom-ing, traveling, as well as adjusting I have fallen off the blogging wagon. Forgive meeeee!!!

It’s beyond surreal that it’s been three months already. It’s even more surreal that I’ll be turning 24 in weeks, literally. So much has changed but a lot as stayed the same. I like to begin my personal new year with an analysis on my growth, my goals, and my accomplishments. I do this because I want to ensure I’m not plateauing and also committed to always being in tune with Bradlei.

I told myself upon moving to France, I had three goals: learn French, work on my passions and skills, and put myself first. SO far, French is terribly hard, but I’m progressing. I’ve been committed to watching a lot of french television, and reading a lot of french children’s books. The biggest problem for older English speakers with little to no knowledge of the language is to understand sentence structure and vocabulary for those sentences -____-. It doesn’t always help that the french speak relatively fast. -__- But I can talk mildly now lol. And that’s better than a few weeks ago. So I’ll take it.

I’ve been working on my passions and my skills, but sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in work, and don’t make enough time to do my stuff or the things that are important to me. I’ve gotten considerable better at crocheting and am developing a few projects of my own. Which is hard because during the day I’m either busy or tired, and at night I’m always tired but can’t focus a lot of the time. So I’m trying to create more of a routine for Bradlei and not just a routine for my kids.

Putting myself first is arguably the single most difficult thing in my life. It feels so selfish sometimes to carve out my time and isolate myself. It’s also difficult because I’m learning a lot more about me then I think I was aware of prior to moving to France. For instance, I’ve learned how extremely difficult it is for me to be open and communicate with people whom I’m not comfortable with or I don’t trust. I also learned I have a hard time telling people about my feelings because of the fear of being judged, ridiculed, or misunderstood. I thought I had kind of worked through it but maybe I have with people I love. But not people I am meeting for the first time and starting to get to know. It’s provided clarity in some relationships and friendships that I no longer have and seeing how certain things I do as a defense mechanism can create a big barrier when I should communicate. Essentially when communicating my needs and essentially what I need, I find it extremely difficult. I also didn’t realize how I am not vulnerable with people, I can cry (which I do ALOT) but I’m not telling you my innermost feelings or thoughts or the layer under my outermost thoughts. I don’t think any of these are troubling traits but things I have to work through to become a better me. So I’m trying to reevaluate certain aspects of my life and determine how I should work through these things. I knew communicating was hard, but I’m starting to see the link between putting myself first and communicating effectively.

Everyone told me to go find a French man to date, love and get married to. But I’ve been so committed to me that love is the last thing I want to be focused on. Nunning isn’t exactly my idea of fun, but working on me feels better than working on love. I do get extremely lonely sometimes. And I don’t like not having booty rubs, head massages, and someone to talk to when I am having my very worst days and I just want to cry in their arms or on skype. But I have my journal (thanks to my sister) that I write a lot in. I’m enjoying this intimacy I’ve gained with myself.

I also came to terms with me not being a long distance kind of girl and not even wanting that. So when guys from home want to talk or date: I’m just like yo, NO! I like being near my significant other, physical intimacy is important and helps me communicate as I’m still working through extreme trust issues from previous relationships. I truly think long distance for me is a trigger. So Nah bro.  I really do miss the intimacy of a partner, but I know that because I’m working on me and my goals when a partner does come I won’t feel like I’m having to choose. Although self-discovery in my opinion is an evolving and long-term process. I really want to get to a place where I have a more clear idea of where I’m going and what I’m doing before I think about love.

Since moving I’ve also put certain boundaries up for me with family, with friends, and with people I want in my life but aren’t. I’m learning to say I’m doing my best and if my best isn’t what you think I should be doing I am sorry. But I’m not going to try to conform to what you think I should do or say.

It’s weird though because through my time alone I’ve reflected on so many aspects of my life, and I’ve developed a sense of compassion for myself that I didn’t have months ago. Yes, I still hold myself to unreasonable expectations at times, but I also give myself hugs, and tell myself when I need a self-care day. I see my growth, I see my accomplishments, and for the first time in a long time I’m not as afraid to ask for help, to scream I need help, and accept when I need help.

 

See ya at 24!

Peace, Love, and Boobies

B

 

 

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