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Au Pair Noir: The Adjustment Blues

So since we’re being honest, I can be real and say adjusting is still difficult. I’m neither homesick nor missing the things I left behind. I’m just currently trying to learn to adjust in relationships, adjust my mentality, adjust my needs, all the while managing to keep on keeping on.

Let me tell you, some days it is easy, but some days it is hard. Most days I have a mixture of bullshit plus a mixture of good moments. Right now the things that are making me crazy are driving a stick – _____-, altering my children’s diet, managing the crazy of three girls under 8. And an ever-changing environment via life and the construction within my new home while not killing anyone or acting completely and totally moody.

Additionally, my dysfunctional family is just that DYSFUNCTIONAL; and I must must must learn to stop fighting other’s battles and take care of me, put me first, appreciate me, and do the things that make me feel good. Is this easy? EFFF no, but it’s always helpful with I have my big sister to keep me grounded and be my mirror when I’m in the fetal position. I was in the fetal position Sunday no lie.  I don’t know what I’d do without her sometimes. All the Time. Thank GOD for big sisters, if you have one appreciate them, they are the best thing that can ever be.

Either way it’s not ideal. Part of this blog is me being brutally honest about my life, my triumphs, and my pits.

The triumphs are that managing the girls is getting easier, I have successfully figured out a way to limit sugar all the while limit meltdowns. Thank you S and G, you guys taught me soooo much. My girls are listening more and more. FYI whispering works when children aren’t listening (thank me later).

I also met some amazing girls this week. I’ve gotten to talk about world topics like Hamlet, and F. Scott Fitzgerald (K.R. I hope you’re somewhere proud). As well as politics, healthcare, and poverty in the world. I’ve tried new foods that didn’t give me the bubble guts. My hair is flourishing despite not having my normal products. No breakout, oh and my weight is slowly but surely coming back! I can now park on an incline without anxiety. Language school starts this week, and adult classes in Tournefeuille are CRAZY cheap! I have signed up for three classes (some of which are my passions) for less than 50 euros for the year! Yassss BISSHHHH!! My french is flourishing too!!

My Pits are: I’ve been late several times this week, I’ve had a few cries. I’ve wanted my mommies about three times this week. Labor day I was not off! :/ (not really that bad). I’m putting a lot of pressure on myself to get it right and quickly. Sometimes without the realization that I’m still adjusting, learning, and coping the best way I know how.

My language class was changed unexpectedly -___-. Mornings are HELLISH right now, driving still gives me major anxiety and when I get something wrong I get more anxiety. There is major construction going on in my home which displaces us during the evening. Finding a schedule and routine is especially difficult with us being displaced. And Bradlei Loves her schedules, it helps me regulate chaos and maintain efficiency.

Sometimes it feels like I don’t know what I’m doing, or I’m not doing it well. Then I find myself doing something successfully and silently telling myself to have faith. I’m transitioning. And even if I don’t like it, transitions are something I will always have to get used to.

What’s hardest right now is the transition of relationships, the building of boundaries, finding a balance. What’s hard about a big change is your relationships, friendships, and sometimes family relationships start to change to create cohesion and fluidity. And allowing that change to happen is hard, it hurts, and you’ll want to try to resist it. I’ve lost a few friendships over the course of this experience, I’ve renewed some thankfully, and I’ve had to place boundaries in general and that really really hurts. Most days I’m not ready for this transition, most days I get a wee bit sad. But my triumphs throughout the day keep me going, keep me feeling like I made a decision that will allow me to grow and experience amazing things.

Transitions are beauty, growth is beauty, the blues are beauty. I’m still thankful I’m so blessed and lucky to have this experience. I’m so blessed to have accomplished the things I said I would. I’m thankful for the days I feel shitty, the days I feel amazing, and all the days in between. I get to wake up every day living my dream even if it’s dark and twisty some days. I’m living a dream. I spread my wings to fly and I’m flying.

**Update: Just when I was really feeling down, my favorite little man, G happened to facetime me this evening. He sure knows how to keep a smile on my face, with his weirdness, his love, and his charm. Sometimes I really feel kinda just upside down in this new life experience. But God knows when you need some love and the right words to hear. Not every day is perfect. No day is perfect, but there are good things in every day even the worst of the worst. Hugs to anyone transitioning. We can do this.

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“One day you’re 17 planning for someday. And then quietly, without you ever really noticing, someday is today. And then someday is yesterday. And this is your life.” 

 

Love, Peace, and Boobies

B

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